When your mother hates you

Nobility is the first word that comes to mind whenever someone mentions the word mother. To most people, mothers are women of impeccable characters, who sacrificed all they had to ensure that their children get the best out of this life.

Mothers cannot be the biggest disappointment to their children now, can they? Surely they cannot hate the fruits of their wombs now, can they? As hard to believe as it is, there are people who wish their mothers dead.

Now don’t rush to wield the Bible in my face and tell me about verses that call on us to respect our parents and their equivalent in other religious books before hearing me out. In this case, the children really want to love and obey their parents but the mother here will not give them a chance.

As people were trooping to their rural areas to celebrate Christmas with their loved ones, Robai Kasila wistfully said that she cannot go home because of her mother. When asked why she said that her mother hated her since they were kids and treated her so badly.

Now the situation had been compounded by the fact that she had not made it in life like her siblings and whenever they all went home she was turned into their slave as opposed to being their sister.

She would not eat at the same table with everyone else was asked to attend to all the needs of the adults with their children at the expense of her own children. She has since decided to live without a family and this makes holidays the worst times for her.

In another story that brought tears to my eyes, Grace Waeni (not her real name) narrated how she would be just fine if her mother dropped dead.

According to Waeni, her mother gave birth to her and dumped her at her grandmother’s place. The only time the mum visited she instructed the little girl to never call her mother. She would later come back to pick the girl and take her to the home she shared with her husband and their kids.

The intention of the mother was for Waeni to become a househelp in the home.

Things changed at night when the mother held down little Waeni on the bed as her husband repeatedly raped her. Being a virgin, she bled a lot but managed to run away and strangers assisted her to get back to her grandmother’s home.

Her mother would come back and beat her senseless and were it not for a maternal uncle, Waeni would not be here today. She is now working and thanks to her uncle managed to reunite with her estranged father who had been cheated that Waeni had died at birth. She, however, never wishes to see her mother and vows never to forgive her.

Stories abound of mothers who really mistreat their children, totally abandon their kids, sleep with the spouses of their children and lead their kids to financial ruin by stealing from them. There are mothers who look away when the real father to their daughter molests the little girl and if they fall out will still blame the little girl for the falling out. Stanger than fiction but it happens.

Such mothers have caused their children to suffer self- esteem issues, become bitter for life, have trust issues and have interpersonal problems with many other people.

So what can cause a mother to hate her own child?   

According to a story that was carried in the Daily Monitor of Uganda, Hilder Bahati, a counselor and psychologist at Namirembe Cathedral said that mothers who are cruel to their children have most likely suffered trauma themselves.

Sometimes, they channel emotions from bad marriages, traumatizing family backgrounds, such as stepfamilies among others. In other instances, a mother may resent her child because of the complications she endured during her pregnancy. Bahati said that mothers raise their children according to how they were raised. Some mothers also have extreme personalities or suffer from bipolar disorder, a condition that may be unknown to them.

What can you do about it?

You have tried to reach your mother many times but she will not yield to you and will not want to talk about how she treated you. According to Dr. Marie Hart-Walker who is a   psychologist and marriage/ family counselor, your “family” is only as small as you make it. You need to look for older women friends who can give you the support, advice, and even love, that your mother isn’t able to give you.

You may also enlist the help of honorary aunties who will witness the growth of your children, spoil them and show them that their mother is loved and respected. Basically, you should expand your idea of family to bring more people on board. You can try this at the church, book clubs or hobby group.

Photo courtesy of Stock Images

While working on broadening your family, you should also work on forgiving your mother and letting go of the past. The forgiveness is for your own sake and you can start the healing process.

You are not alone in this, there are many other people going through the same problem and you can start or join a support group to help you navigate through your feelings. They may understand you better as compared to other people who may not understand where you are coming from anyway. It is also advisable to speak to a counselor to help you on your journey.



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